Pounding vodka Redbull after vodka Redbull is dangerous for me. Why? Because they go straight to clit (they make me horny).
Honestly, I’m horny all the time. Sex is so awesome. It’s rejuvenating. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is sex. Before bed? Same thing. When I’m drunk, my horniness meter breaks. I become an animal.
Different types of alcoholic beverages have different effects on mood and feelings. When I drink wine, for example, I feel happier than I do after drinking tequila. This also translates to different alcohols making me more or less horny.
I’ve noticed that when I drink vodka Redbulls specifically, my brain chemistry changes. I become a freak in the sheets. I honestly should be locked in a cage with my phone taken away. Every man on my roster is texted. The only thing I can think about is a man’s dick down my throat.
Recently, I was off a deranged amount of vodka Redbulls at a Cornell Law School formal (cheeky side quest). I blacked out, but I was still composed. I kept my cool! What happened after the formal was not cool, however. My phone died and I lost my friends. For whatever reason I decided to leave and walk home. Mind you, I live on West campus and this function was at the golf course by North campus.
With no GPS to take me home, I was wandering the backroads of Ithaca for probably 30 minutes. The backroads reminded me of the roads in Buffalo, close to the university I transferred from. This led me to believe that I was in Buffalo, over two and a half hours away. I was that drunk.
I met some random people in a parking lot somewhere, and they Ubered me home. After taking a massive L while still basically blackout drunk, of course, I hit up every man on the roster! There truly is no stopping me when I am vodka Redbull drunk.
I’ve also noticed that other types of drinks make me different types of horny. Blue Razzberry Four Loko gives me superpowers in bed. I’ll do splits on that D. Jumping jacks too!
Wine, a historic aphrodisiac, is another crazy contender for the horniest I get after drinking. Honestly, any wine turns me feral, but cheap boxed wine and Barefoot take the cake. Red wine makes my man-clit swell. It’s insane. I can make sweet love for hours.
I should mention that I’ve never had sex sober. I’m just on my peak off some juice!
Most of my hookups happen after going out when I’m sloshed. The closest I was to having sex sober was when I had a guy over on a Wednesday. This was no ordinary Wednesday — it was Valentine’s Day! My friends and I were drinking wine and eating charcuterie before the guy arrived at my dorm. Unfortunately, I was nervous about him coming over so I went overboard with the wine. I had too much to drink and I did not perform well socially. Despite the wine coursing through my veins and the Fleetwood Mac playing on my record player (I am Stevie Dicks after all!), I did not do jumping jacks on that D.
I was ghosted promptly after that night. Groo bear, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. My bad. I’m not as weird and off-putting as I seemed.
But even when alcohol doesn’t give me sex superpowers, it’s still worth it for that spectacular man-clit feel.
One day far from now, I hope I’ll be able to enjoy a vodka Redbull without tweaking for meat. But the intense wave of testosterone I get from it tells me I’m waiting in vain.
I hope my experiences give you inspiration for getting trashed and sloppy in bed. Next time you go to Hideaway, order a vodka Redbull and get your meat wet for me.
Stevie Dicks is a second-year student in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. His fortnightly column Ballads of a Lonely Twink chronicles a young gay man’s search for love.
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