Making it one of the most versatile verbs, “sex” can be justly described by a seemingly infinite amount of adjectives: hot, heavy, steamy, fun, funny, noisy, quiet, warm, wet, carnal, sensual, aggressive, soft and the list goes on. There is one adjective, however, that should never be correlated with sex if you’re doing it with the right person or people. That adjective is “embarrassing.”
While I am a firm advocate of the philosophy that no sexual partner should ever make you feel embarrassed about your body, abilities, desires, etc., there is one element of intercourse that — after many years of being sexually active — I have accepted is inherently embarrassing for me, regardless of how comfortable I feel with my sexual co-conspirator: the queef; in scientific terms, “vaginal flatulence.”
No amount of open communication will ever mitigate the feeling that washes over my being mid-doggy style when that dreaded pffffttt sound escapes the lips between my hips. I literally want to fold up my entire body and disappear into myself like one of those compact raincoats. Luckily, the phenomenon typically occurs after the climax of the act so, instead of folding into myself I usually just laugh — a bodily tense-up which often triggers more “vaginal flatulence” —and my partner reassures me that I need not feel embarrassed…easy for him to say, he’s not the one with the uncontrollable pussy farts.
Anyway, I am probably always going to be embarrassed when this happens. But one thing that has helped dull that embarrassment for me is having honest conversations with my partner about what exactly is going on with my body when it passes vaginal gas. As a literal sex columnist, I feel it is my moral imperative to foster these same conversations amongst my readers. So, what exactly is garrulitas vulvae (chattering vulva), why does it happen, and why should it — in theory — not be a source of embarrassment?
Flawlessly articulated by the Cleveland Clinic (which I will continue to reference), queefing happens “when your vagina releases air that’s trapped inside…When this air comes out, it makes a noise similar to flatulence or farting from your rectum.” Folks, it doesn’t get much more straightforward than that. Varting is simply outside air that has been trapped inside by way of some foreign interference making its way back outside again. Since the vagina opening and vulva vestibule are smooth and hairless, there is nothing there to break up the sound that this escaping air makes, which results in a queef.
For the sake of this column, we will discuss which parts of sex most often result in a queef, although this list is by no means exhaustive. Once again, I turn to the Cleveland Clinic: “Sex is one of the biggest causes of vaginal gas. When a penis, sex toy or finger moves in and out of your vagina, air can get pushed inside. When it’s removed from your vagina, the air is released.” Now, since everyone’s body is a unique temple, the positions or activities that make each vagina-haver fanny-fart may differ. That being said, a quick Google search reveals that doggy-style and positions that involve the clitoral-wielder being bent over seem to be the worst perpetrators. Generally speaking, anything that involves something moving in and out of your body risks entrapping air that would not normally be there, and that air has to escape somehow. (Come on guys, maybe try filling us with dick instead of air).
So, now that we share a basic understanding of the queef and why it happens, let’s discuss why it really makes no sense for this bodily function to feel as embarrassing as it does, at least for me. As my aforementioned Google search revealed, there are entire communities, blogs and forums of anatomical women dedicated to sharing advice about how to embrace, understand or eradicate the vagina’s biological tendency to queef. (Could it be that women are feeling external pressure to change something about their bodies that is ultimately out of their control? Preposterous!) With one final turn to the Cleveland Clinic, I am proud to present three cherry-picked one-liners that plainly advocate for the normalization of the queef. Here we go.
Off to a strong start, “[queefing] is an involuntary bodily function that you can’t control,” followed by, “Vaginal gas is a normal occurrence, and you can’t do much to prevent it.” I’ve said it already, but I’m happy to reemphasize: Queefing is not a conscious decision made by the vagina possessor. Especially for the sake of sex, the release of unwanted air from the body cavity between the thighs is completely involuntary. In the same way we aren’t embarrassed about blinking or coughing, we shouldn’t be embarrassed by a pussy sneeze; it is completely natural.
Finishing with a third and final mic drop from the Cleveland Clinic, “Unlike a fart, gas from your vagina doesn’t smell because it’s not related to your digestive system.” This is the icing and candles on a sh*t-ily prepared cake; the auditory experience of the queef is just that, auditory. While it may be an embarrassing sound, your partners are safe from any olfactory discomfort. If anything, this should even be a motivator for anyone queefing in front of a man! If I have learned anything in my 21 years it’s that straight men never outgrow their infatuation with fart sounds; The queef is all reward no risk.
Despite everything I’ve laid out above and my many laughter-filled heart-to-hearts post twat-tooties, I will still blush into the pillow next time that distinctive sound escapes my snatch, and I hold no judgment for those who stand by me in our shared embarrassment of the queef. If anything, I hope this chat has inspired women more confident than I to go forth and change the narrative of vaginal flatulence, making queefing a normalized experience for sexually active cooch connoisseurs everywhere.
Annie Position is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.
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